Tuesday, July 28, 2009

C.P.R for Twenty Years of Marriage...


While reading some comments on a social media site the other day, I came across a response that caught my attention. When one woman stated that she had been married for twenty years, another woman told her to blog about this accomplishment because she would have a great deal of wisdom to share with others.

In September of 2009, my husband and I will also celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. I, like the woman above, really don’t consider myself to have great marital advice. Yet, while pondering the diverse array of responders that day, I realized that there are a couple of things that do keep my own marriage growing.

I’m full aware that not everyone reading this blog is married, but for those who are or may be contemplating marriage, here are the three main ingredients that breathe life into our union.

C = Communication:
Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” (Rollo May) Communication is listed first because this is the number one thing that changed our marriage for the better. Years ago, my husband and I like many other new parents, struggled to ‘get along’ when our children were little. Everything was new, busy and (most of the time) off-center. Sleep was a precious commodity; Tempers flared because we were both tired and had no idea what the other was thinking or doing. We realized that we needed to make our marriage a priority by communicating. Today, this is accomplished by simply taking some time once in awhile to sit on the couch (after the kids are in bed) with a glass of wine and just share whatever comes to mind. I will offer my opinion here of the two most important points for both spouses during communication:

1) Remember you BOTH get a chance to talk.
2) The word LISTEN has the same letters as the word SILENT.

P = Planning:
There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing.” (Brian Tracy) I have to admit, it took me some time to come up with a fitting word for the letter P. However, after reading Brian Tracy’s quote, it was easy. When a husband and wife are continually planning for their future together, they are looking forward with hope and faith. This essential ingredient takes effort and participation from both sides, but the rewards surpass all. This may include planning what their family may look like five or ten years down the road, where the couple will travel and explore or it may consist of setting financial goals. Whatever the plans, this action has a way of drawing a couple closer while raising anticipation and joy.

R = Romance:
Treasure your relationships, not your possessions.” (Anthony J. D’Angelo) Of course one of the three main ingredients for a living, breathing marriage is romance. Life will always be filled with crazy schedules and circumstances beyond our control. The real test is to continue to place in front of you, all the reasons you chose marriage in the beginning. Keeping the romance alive starts with small steps…date nights, an evening walk or bike ride together, a picnic in the park…it doesn’t have to be extravagant or cost a lot. Last week, my husband picked up a couple of lobsters from the grocery store and we ate in instead of going out. There was no birthday or holiday; we just randomly decided to do a little something extra, just the two of us, since our kids were gone for the evening.

I certainly do not claim to be an expert in relationships. Nor will I tell you that marriage is easy. But what I can share with you is real examples that have worked for my marriage for almost twenty years; Communication, planning and romance are three essential components that have resuscitated our life with hope and happiness. How about you? Have you refreshed your C.P.R. skills lately?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Lessons In Uncommon Places...

My husband loves reading and has a passion for history. Just the other night he rattled off a date of some event they were talking about on television…before the reporters gave the date. Although I don’t hold the same level of interest in history, I was still in awe at how quickly the information came to him-nothing short of amazing in my mind. He reads daunting books with 300, 400 and some even 500+ pages in length, all of them about history, ones that I only will glance at on the book shelf and sigh. For me, reading something with that fine print and thickness would be like trying to run a full marathon without training. I would wonder if I would be able to finish.

There has been no book that he has talked more about than “Uncommon Friends” by James Newton. It is a (357 page) book about the lives of Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, Harvey Firestone, Alexis Carrel and Charles Lindbergh. They are five 20th century giants known personally by very few – except for James Newton. Many know the accomplishments of these great men but Newton captures their lives on a personal level.

Since my husband spoke so highly of this book (and so frequently) I decided to open the book randomly and begin reading. I had no idea what would happen next. Not only did this author keep my attention, but he was able to colour a vivid picture of who Henry Ford was as a man. After I flew through just 10 or 12 pages of encouraging printed words, I decided to stop to share some pearls of wisdom from Henry Ford:

“The purpose of money is to provide more opportunity to perform more service. Short-sighted businessmen think first of money, but service is what really makes or breaks a business; without it, customers soon go elsewhere.”

“True happiness comes from the realization of accomplishment.”

“If money is your only hope for independence, you will never have it.”

“It’s our first duty to do the right thing, and this will earn us the right money.”

“We ought to think of our country as a servant of mankind. A trustworthy, righteous nation, whose joy is to help all people toward peace and progress. Except for idealists there would have been no United States."

These quotes contain tremendous power and wisdom. Valuable insights can be gleaned by examining the thought process of historical figures. Reading a large book on history is more of an uncommon place for me, but when I chose to go out of my comfort zone I was blessed with great wisdom to learn, grow and share. How about you? Is there an uncommon place you need to visit from which you could learn?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Real Life Fender Benders...

While running errands today, a song came on the radio that has a catchy little tune and quirky words that strike home with women. I started humming along the first time I heard it and now my daughter enjoys singing along as well. Its fun, relatable message goes something like this… “Got couple dents in my fender – got a couple rips in my jeans – trying to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy”. This song, “Free to Be Me” is sung by a girl named Francesca Battistelli.

I had to chuckle to myself today because my 16 year old put a dent in my husbands sedan earlier this month. She was driving with her father, and while parking at the mall, she happened to hit the gas pedal instead of the brake. The car popped up over the curb and knocked over the small ‘temporary parking’ sign on a metal post in front of her. My daughter and my husband each were startled but the moment of fear caused opposite reactions to the minor event - One being silence with a frozen look on her face, the other a verbal outburst.

Some time has passed and we now giggle when we see the sign, which has once again tilted toward the ground because of the unfortunate incident. When retelling the story, friends have asked how we can now make light of this incident…typically from mom’s who have children close to the age of 16.

Here’s what I learned that can help you:

1) Find a Practical Perspective
When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.” (Albert Einstein) In the overall scheme of things, this was a minor accident, but a good teaching moment. Truthfully, it gave both parties involved, a chance to learn and grow. One received education on what to do when denting dad’s car, the other was reminded not to sweat the small stuff because it’s all small stuff.
2) Have a Reasonable Expectation
In the middle of every difficulty, lies opportunity.” (Albert Einstein) Expecting that our new driver will go through the learning curve perfectly is unrealistic. Understanding and accepting this while going through this trying time for both parent and child, allows us the freedom to become flexible. When there is room to breath, an opportunity exists for discovery, independence, wisdom and certainty to grow.
3) Say a Sensible Word
Correction does much, but encouragement does more.” (Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe) Will there be more fender benders? Probably. Will there be more good driving experiences than bad? Yes. It seems that from all my past ‘dents’ and ‘rips’, it is better to encourage someone to pick themselves up one more time and try again, rather than let them know all that they have done wrong.

No one ever said life is easy. Many of us have to experience things a couple of times before realizing the lesson. When we keep our perspectives and expectations in check, while speaking encouragement, we are free to laugh and sing while we put the pieces together from our real life ‘rips’ and ‘dents’.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Ultimate Gift of a Coach...


Thirteen days ago, I had arthroscopic knee surgery to remove a cyst that was growing out of the fibers on my Anterior Cruciate Ligament – more commonly referred to as the ACL. The surgery was a little different because the doctors decompressed this cyst rather than removing it and my ACL. RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation) was my only task for nearly two weeks.

Yesterday it was back to TRIA Orthopaedic Center to remove the stitches. I was then sent directly to meet Monte, my physical therapist. After just two PT sessions with Monte, I’m pleased to announce that my knee is gaining much mobility, the fluid is decreasing and the pain is leaving. In fact, I feel that the knee is so much better that I have given my therapist the nickname, Miracle Monte. (Of course he laughed when I told him that.)

Today was my second appointment. While lying on the table receiving my well earned treat…use of the “Game Ready” ice machine, I had time to ponder about these brief, painful but helpful sessions I completed. Monte is my coach. He runs the game plan. When I perform at a mediocre level, he pushes me to do better. He believes I can do more and perform better with each session I work out with him. Monte has the road map; he knows my goals and is there to coach me through when I would prefer to give up.

Monte is a terrific coach because he has the ability to motivate while he trains. Because he continues to cheer me on and remind me of the progress I am making, I’m able to push through the tough times. He continues to raise the bar and asks me to reach higher, but never forgets to remind me of how far I have come.

The ability to encourage and inspire while guiding an individual to peak performance is a gift…the ultimate gift.

The folks at this orthopaedic center have a mission “Whatever your personal goals are, TRIA has the experts to work with you to help you achieve the highest level of function with the best outcome possible.” My goal of having a knee that functions properly is going to take much effort. Quite frankly, I would never be able to push myself to accomplish that goal, nor would I know how to do it on my own.

You may be a coach or you may be looking for a coach to guide you to a higher level of function with the best outcome possible. Wherever you are in life, remember the ultimate gift…encouraging and inspiring while leading.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A New Perspective on Calendar Management...

Imagine walking into a room feeling confident, poised and energized. Your dreams are big and your motivation is high. You have your goals set, the action plan in place, you have even hired a coach to help you stay on track and keep pace with your demanding schedule. You live in a nice home in a great part of town and have a wonderful spouse and kids. There is so much to be thankful for. The warmth of the sunshine on your arms and the pleasant breeze blowing against your face are all reminders that life is good.


Then you look at the calendar for the next week. It seems to be filled with numbered black squares bursting with a rainbow of colours denoting each doctor appointment, early morning conference call, and after-hours meet and greet along with the vast array of children’s sporting activities that overlap and require permission slips and transportation.


Sure, life is hectic. We get by on too little sleep, promising to catch up on weekends. But we never do. To remain healthy and stay confident, poised and energized means being good to yourself too. Since the calendar refuses to clear itself, how about taking a new perspective to carve out some ‘play time’ for you?


How can you spend your play time? If you’re rattling off sports activities, forget it. Those don’t count. If you have forgotten how to play, break out the bubbles, kites, colouring books and most of all your imagination! Make up a game with rocks or loose change. Get some sidewalk chalk, a croquet set and some jacks; If you feel silly…good! If you don’t want the neighbors talking, join in with some kids or play with the dog.


Did you know that play time is one of the most healing activities for your health? Cut free from the rules, worry and stress. Most importantly, abandon your adult fixations and get in touch with your inner child. There’s a kid in all of us, just waiting for play time.

The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands. ~Robert M. Pirsig

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Power of Understanding...

During my last visit to the dentist, I found that my hygienist, whom I had been seeing for the last 2 years, had resigned from her position. Her second child had arrived and she chose to partake in all the wonderful rewards of being an at home mom. (As an at-home mom for 11years, I’m a little biased). The young, new replacement hygienist with perfect white teeth introduced herself as she walked me to the dental chair. As I sat back, she asked me three or four questions, swiped a glance at my last x-rays and began to power back the head of my chair all in an orderly fashion. Her lack of conversation made me wonder if she was unhappy about something. I hoped she was not having a bad day because I was about to open my mouth and who knows what could happen next.


Thankfully the new gal was rather gentle but still diligent with her task. At one point during the initial exam of my teeth, she removed her utensils. I used that moment to ask a question. Her response caught me off guard a bit. She answered with a yes because we “had enough time”. I looked around and did not see any stop watch or schedule posted to know if we were ahead or behind schedule, yet she seemed very ‘aware’ of the clock. Inside I felt awkward because I wasn’t sure if I had taken too much time or asked a dumb question. Basically, I wasn’t sure how to read her response and I was missing my bubbly, sociable hygienist that I had grown to adore.
The rest of the checkup went smoothly and I was on my way after having another A+ visit. All the way home, I was thinking about how different that checkup was compared to what I have experienced in the last 2 years. The only new variable was a new person.


Then it hit me like a ton of bricks - My previous hygienist was a very outgoing, people oriented type of person, while the new hygienist was more reserved and quite task oriented. I did not do anything wrong nor was there any problems with the care I was given. What I failed to realize at the time, was that these two ladies were different personalities and viewed life through different lens!


Here’s what we know…theoretically the world can be divided into two. There are people who are people oriented and there are people who are more task oriented. Neither is right nor wrong, they are just different.


The first hygienist who cared for me was on the people side – she would always ask how I was doing, how my kids were, what our family was up to…things like that. To be honest, it took forever to get started with the checkup because she and I would chat and chat and chat. I too am an outgoing person and appreciate the people connection. On the other hand, the second hygienist saw the task ahead of her and most likely because she was new, wanted to do things “by the book” and make a good impression. She was focused on her assignment and getting done on time. Again, neither is right nor wrong, the approaches were just different.


All in all, I realized that if I would have thought more about the new hygienist given her personality and situation of being the new kid on the block, I could have helped ease any nerves and showed more interest in her…instead of expecting the reverse. Sometimes we all just need to be reminded that taking time to understand the other person can usually improve a relationship.


An interesting side note to this story…when I told my husband about the experience I had encountered at the dentist, his only comment was, “Sounds like I would like the new hygienist. After all, we go to the dentist to have our teeth cleaned, don’t we?” Ah…the power of understanding people!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Declaring Independence...


Independence Day - Fourth of July. Americans love their freedoms. Freedom to travel where they want, choose the home they live in, pick a career and a lifestyle. We even sing about the land of the free and the home of the brave. The Declaration of Independence embodies the values of Americans; the right of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

On this Independence Day 2009, I find myself reflecting on freedoms of all kinds as I lie on the couch recovering from knee surgery just two days prior. With a pillow under my affected leg and bandages covering the stitches, I’m forced to take things slowly. My family is ‘on call’ 24/7 because the ability to run up the steps quickly to get my glasses or scoot into the kitchen for a sandwich is quite difficult for me. Ironic isn’t it? That today, July 4th, is the day that America is celebrating our country’s freedom with family gatherings, cookouts and fireworks and here I sit completely DEpendent on others for help.

By in large, I am a person, who loves freedom. I prefer to be in control, to have the freedom to change my mind and to have a variety of choices for how to live my life. Independence and freedom are comfort zones for me. But today, I’m taking time to appreciate all that I have and the amazing potential that is before me.

This focus on freedom reminded me of something that Robert Kiyosaki’s wife Kim wrote in her book Rich Woman…“With every little victory you accomplish, your confidence increases. Increased confidence leads to higher self-esteem. Higher self-esteem leads to greater success, which ultimately leads to the greatest gift of all – freedom.”

The Declaration of Independence was a victory for America. In turn, this country gained confidence and esteem which ultimately led to our greatest gift of freedom. For you and me, each personal victory elevates certainty and value. The freedom we’ve gained from those events is something to appreciate.

What personal victories have you experienced? Today may be the time for you to reflect on the freedom and independence you have gained and declare your future potential.